Pins to post

Pinterest can be dangerous but ever so often, I find the perfect pin that states something I cannot express. After hours of editing my first novel, it felt good to see that my train of thought was 'normal'. To all the writers out there...do you find yourself happy to sit and edit one day and then the next you would rather have a root canal after a visit to the gynecologist (women) or a prostate exam (men) and then go a party with no alcohol, where you are under dressed  and they are serving food you cannot eat?...I know that was completely over dramatic but now editing doesn't sound so bad. Back to work :)                                       

For I was a Warrior

For I was a Warrior

I was born in a time of war

In a world of blood and honor

I grew with head held high

And the weight of people on my shoulders

It was the age of kingdoms

The time after the fall

It was my Father’s land

His empire

I knew the feel of the blade before I could run

I knew the motion of horse

The smell of ciders

The sight of villages burning

The smell of flesh under fire

Still haunts my dreams

Along with ravens

That dive, bring blood to my fingertips

I know the rush of the last breath of life

As it seeps from a gaping mouth

I know the thick, warm feeling of blood

As it moves around the skin

Victory is all there is

Failure is not an option

War is what brings peace

And peace is only for weak minded

It is a reason given to continue war

To continue the flow of blood

And the heat of fire

I am a man of Victory

An honord heir

No man has bested me in battle

No beast knocked me from my feet

But I have yet to face an enemy like one I was now

The enemy is quiet

Waiting the shadows

No threat was posed at first

No attempt was made

The enemy watches me and I watch the enemy

Eyes that bore into soul

Render me motionless

Cause rage in boil in my gut

Dreams surround the enemy

Dreams that jerk me awake

Cold sweats

And gasping breaths

The enemy must be vanquished

The enemy must disappear

Victory is all I have know

And it is all I shall ever taste

This enemy cannot win

It mustn’t

It cannot

I will die before I succumb

But dreams surround the enemy

Blood retreats and ravens still

Screams give way to silence

And fear gives way to desire

The enemy must be vanquished

The enemy must disappear

For I fear I will fail

For I am a warrior but a woman is winning.

Lora Douglas 2012 

I am not...

I am not a blogger. I confess. Social media is a wonderful thing but all in all it scares me. It's not that I don't have things to say, I do, I just pull up twitter or facebook or this blog and my mind goes blank. Ok, not really blank. It begins racing through all the things I could write about then promptly begins explaining why each thing is stupid, meaningless and a complete waste of the infinite cyber space. Once I get that paranoid rambling under control then my mind goes blank. Void. Nothing. Just colors...and I don't think anyone wants me to narrate the colors in my mind.
Yellow
red,
green...
Ok enough of that.
You see, I think in pictures. Completely in pictures. My thoughts are movies without sound. Flash cards. Blips. To translate my thoughts into words, and even better, into complete sentences, is a task I had to quickly learn as a child. Maybe one day, I can share some stories about that process and how even now it is difficult to put the pictures into words.
I know this information isn't earth shattering, maybe at worst boring, but hey if you are in the same boat, I feel ya. I get it. This little mental quirk makes somethings very difficult. Like learning a foreign language, spelling, reading aloud and writing. My stories are silent movies in my head that I must translate onto paper. It is hard, frustrating and at times, a downright pain in the ass but I do it because it is apart of me. And what fun in something that doesn't challenge you?

Have You Seen Me At All

Have you ever seen me at all?

I am the girl you pass by on the street

The one staring at the ground

The girl laughing in the hall

The one with people all around

I am the person in the corner

The one’s scream no one hears

The person that sits alone

The one whose smiles insincere

Have you seen me at all?

You pass me on the street and don’t offer a second glance

I’m your friend to whom you confided the world

I’m the one in your arms

The one you hold and kiss

You try so hard to know me but there is something you have missed

Have you ever seen me at all?

Have you really seen me?

You see me everyday

You smile and you wave

You look down and turn away

You laugh with your friends

You tell me the teasing joke

In the end we’re all the same

Well all go unnoticed

However, some try to see

The person living inside of me

We all look past yet we are all unseen

Maybe it’s time for someone to see

The beauty waiting inside of me

Behind the façade of appearance dwells a dark reality

For I am not what I want to be

But in what I am is all I can be. 

Lora Douglas 

Rewards

Friend of mine made me a chocolate tofu cheesecake as a reward for finishing my manuscript. :) Another friend, is taking me for snow cones. Nothing better for completed childhood dreams than childhood rewards. 

Exciting Note

After a year and half (to the month), I have finished my first manuscript. The story was been alive in my mind for years but February of 2012, I began putting it on paper. Today, I finished it. *embarrassing happy dance*

Now on the hard part. :) Editing, revising, editing, revising, beta readings, revising, pitching and more revising. Journey on.

Little Moments

Have you ever had a moment that seemed to happen at the exact, perfect time? If you ever get a chance to read my novel (when/if it gets published) There is a section that discusses fate and coincidence. I don't believe in either one. I believe in choices and consequences that follow. That being said, I think even moments that seem to come out of no where are caused by choices.
Tonight I was sitting and working on the last big cumulative moment of my novel and I was having a difficult time finding the right tone. I am one of those writers that listen to music when I write.  Music helps me clear my mind and it aids in dropping the barriers, both mental and emotional that keep me second guessing. Music keeps me sane, keeps me focused and frankly is a cornerstone of my creative process. When I'm stuck in a section, I turn to music.
Working on this particular part, I exhausted my playlist and took an extensive break with Pandora.com. I had decided to stop looking for the 'right' song and just continue writing. A short while later my husband gets my attention and tells me that he just heard a song that he wanted to share with me.
KaaBam...moment.
The song was perfect. At any moment we could have made choices to stop this moment from happening. He could have turned off the radio. I could have not started writing tonight. We both could have gone to bed since it is 2 in the morning and we both have to be up at 7. Any number of things could have prevented this moment from happening but it happened. So here is a thank you to moments like this and Zac Brown Band's song 'Junkyard'. For those of you who have not heard this song, I have included the link below.
I think sometimes we take little moments like this for granted. We try to write it off as coincidence, nothing special but that is a travesty. I'm not saying to put things like this on a pedestal, I'm saying appreciate and recognize it for what it is, wonderful in its own right.
 Like our writing off of little moments, we also write off bigger things...like other people and ourselves. We think that we don't matter. That we are just something that happened. The trials in our life try and convince us that we are not worthy of importance. Worthy of time, of love, of understanding. That evil little voice in the back of our minds calls us a failure, a mistake. It yells when think too much of ourselves. It laughs when we fall and it tears us down every chance it gets.
Well, that voice is wrong. Our minds are wrong when it tries to tell us we are not worthy. Other people are wrong and sometimes we are the ones that are wrong when we deem others unworthy. Each person, like each little moment, has an impact, has a purpose. Each person is worthy of love, of respect and of understanding. Don't be too quick to write something or someone off because it is little moments that change your life. And ordinary people that change the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpCkRFeJ6nI

First Complete Manuscript

I am days away from finishing my first full manuscript. Ever since I was a child, I have been one of those who start a million projects but either get bored or distracted before I....

See what I mean? When I sat down February 2012 (after pushing from friends and family) I made it a goal to put one of my stories into writing.  The past year and a half has been a roller coaster and a lesson in self confidence, patience, persistence and conquering the fear of white. Well, like I said, I am just days from finishing my first manuscript. It is the first book in a series of four. Granted, this is a first draft so the book is not quite ready to be shared but hey I will have finished it.

Even though at times, it feels like I am nearing the end of the process I know that I am actually far from it. Finishing the book is the easy part but I am that much closer than I was two years ago. (a closet writer that was terrified to even utter that I wrote stories.)

I am working on coming out of the proverbial closet. I have been writing books and stories since I was about five years old. Until this past year I have kept this part of myself hidden for fears that I am sure you are familiar with, "I'm not good enough", "I have nothing to say, well nothing people want to hear", "Me? A writer? Ha!". 

You know what? I am done with that, being afraid, coming up with excuses. My husband tells me "You're a writer so act like one."

First step: Say out loud to friends that I want to be a writer. Check

Next: Let someone, a real person, read my work. Check (only freaked out a....good amount)

Next: Utter the words "I am a writer." Check

Now: Start acting like one.