Asthma sucks...that is all

For those of you that don’t know, I have asthma. It stems from a traumatic birth where I ingested a lot of blood and got an infection in my lungs. I was also born with Right Middle Lobe syndrome and my trachea was shaped like an L, until I was like 7.

Anyways, it sucks. I am 28 years old, I have to do breathing treatments twice a day (when I am healthy), and even more when the weather is bad (like now) or I get a cold or sinus infection. Today, my doctor was joking (well not really) and said I just need to stay inside for the next two months and maybe one day get a prescription to live by the beach.

I am not a fan of complaining, but I do understand that sometimes people just need to vent. Most days, I am positive. But someday, I get pissed because my reality does not add up to my expectations (realistic or fantastical).

I was sick as a child the majority of the time but some part of my mind knew it was going to be different when I was an adult. I was going to be like the adults on TV or like the adults, I knew in real life even though what I knew of them was derived from short meetings and the lenses of childhood. I saw put together people that were active and happy and worked, took care of a family and played softball three days a week.

Now I understand that my expectations were unrealistic but how often do we KNOW something but it still takes a while to soak in or we just keep saying we know to try to convince ourselves? No matter how much knowledge I have, some days it is hard to accept that my chronic condition followed me into my twenties. I still have to wear the mask when I use my nebulizer because I can’t breathe through the ‘adult’ attachment. I have to check my oxygen level before going outside. In the winter, if I go out in the night air, I have to wear a scarf or a gator. I can’t run outside, or walk fast. I can’t work out cause I can’t breathe. I get loopy and emotional when I don’t get enough oxygen or too many steroids.

I have to take steroids when my two inhalers, oral medication and nebulizer treatments can’t manage my asthma. Steroids jack you up. I gain weight (no matter what I do), I get paranoid and antsy and sometimes I hallucinate. It is awesome…. But I can breathe and my chest doesn’t feel like I am having a heart attack or a hug from a boa constrictor….that is a great thing.

Anyways, life goes on. Some days I get pissy. I get frustrated. I just want to pretend for two minutes that I’m not sick. But life goes on. Being sick does not make me less of a person. It does not make me a bad wife, friend, aunt, sister, teacher. It does not give me reason to look down on myself even if that mean little voice in the back of my mine says differently.

I will never be a marathon runner, a professional swimmer, a singer, a gymnast, or a whole list of other awesome things but that doesn’t mean I’m not awesome.

Do I believe this every day? Hell no.

Self-consciousness gets the best of me more often than I care to admit. Negative thinking is a daily challenge. But deep inside, in my soul, in my grounded mind, I believe every word and I believe it is true for you too.